I’ve been hearing my Mama’s voice a lot lately. It is very strong in my ear, and she has even been speaking through others. Last week, my best friend Tanya referenced Mama’s famous words to me several times. Thank goodness Frozen was not out yet when she died, because it would have been nightmare for me. She was always telling me to Let it go.
It being my need to control things, to make things perfect, to win the argument at all costs, to be victorious.
We were so very different in so many ways, and I think we had a hard time understanding one another. Or rather she had my number. And now, I have a more fierce version of myself in Miss Julia that I am being humbled by.
Mama wants me to Let it go. It is time for me to heal. This time, it is not the relationship itself that I am holding onto. I would not wish that back again, ever. Instead, I am holding on to control out of fear.
I discussed this at length with my counselor this week, and it all became clear as day. I worry sick about my children when they are not in my care. It breaks my heart being away from them and not knowing that they are okay without their Mommy. However, I am not exercising my faith as I should. I say I am trusting God, but I am not fully letting go and believing that He will take care of them.
I told my counselor that I had been led through my prayer and journaling to the book of Job. When I told her that I was surprised I had never studied that book before, she rightly pointed out that I’ve never needed to. Now, I do.
So I am going to begin reading Job.
But there is another lesson that God keeps sending my way and that is contentment. I wrote about the sermon that was preached a few weeks ago at Ephesus’ Homecoming. Yesterday, I sat down on my porch and listened to another sermon by one of my favorite pastors, Jesse Pickett, on contentment. Whoa, did the Holy Spirit convict me!
My friend, Mrs. Anne Hebrock, keeps reminding me of the old hymn, “It is Well With My Soul.” After the sermon, I YouTubed it and listened to a traditional version by Hillsong United, which I love
. But then I stumbled on the version below and sobbed like a baby, as God spoke directly to my heart through its lyrics.
Let go, my soul, and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know His name.
Praise Jesus, that I can let go and let Him be in charge. Afterall, my babies belong to Him anyway.
Please pray for me if you think about it as I try to deal with this issue in my life. As my friend Sunshine pointed out, it is not that I do not have faith in God. I have Satan trying to put worry in me, because he knows my kids are closest to my heart.
Thankfully, LOVE wins.